Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
