K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Are my feet made of real feet?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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