I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
