Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
