I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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