A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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