gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
