The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Girls should come with a carfax report
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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