I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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