Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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