I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I have aggressive nipples.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
