Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just pee around me
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
