theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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