your parents love me but you hate me
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
