'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
