If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
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Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
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Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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