Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down