Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Girls should come with a carfax report
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
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I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
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If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.