just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm just crazy horny about you
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Drunk is not a location!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
