I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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