I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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