I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
