did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
