Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
