Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
