if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
