you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
