I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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