they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
