I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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