it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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