you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
