well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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