So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
