So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I am midnight drunk by noon
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I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
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New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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