I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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