i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
