She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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