You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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