what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
