I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
false alarm, still single
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
