Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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