Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
