happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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