i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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