NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
