genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
