I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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