awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
