mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
now i know why i became what i already was.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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