I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
