3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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