I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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