Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Welp...herpes.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
