6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just high enough for therapy.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
