if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
