good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
