I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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