dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
