He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
