I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
