Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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