apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
